Pray

This is a post that has no thought behind it prior. I am just starting to type...and we'll see what happens.

I couldn't post this morning, one time was a little short before we left for the ARA and two because I don't think I could have been as vulnerable as I needed to be. Last night was not good, maybe the worst night yet (maybe I feel that way because it is the freshest in my mind). Here is how it went:

Martin woke up at midnight and 1:30 (I think those are the right times). I didn't get out of bed and just told him to go back to sleep and that worked pretty well. I left him in his bed, he didn't come to mine (something got lost in text messages, but no big deal). That was fine and I felt pretty good about that. But then 5 o'clock hit. I tried the same tactics as before and it DID NOT work. He started whining, crying etc. I tried to be firm and it didn't work. I then tried to be loving (not that the firm wasn't loving, but I think you know what I mean). Well he started calming down and wanted his toys on his bed (which are like his stuffed animals) I said when you go back to sleep you can have them back...then we started all up again. This time he hit me a couple of times (as I was sitting beside his bed trying to console him). So we went to timeout and basically we went back and forth till 6:30. At that point the sun was coming up and I decided I am going to lay down and he can play till Rose wakes up...he decided he was just going to sit and whine. So I closed my eyes and ignored him. Rose in all this didn't really even move and didn't wake up till about 7:15-7:30.

Here is where I am (Kasey is going to be mad because I still feel this way, but lack of sleep doesn't help the emotions...I shared this with her via text message and she reassured me with very Godly counsel, but I am still struggling), last night Kasey and I were talking and she said you are doing a good job. I said (not being cocky, or so I thought) I know, I feel like we have had a plan and I have stuck with it and it is showing major progress. I also said that I feel like he is really secure and that I think Satan is leaving him alone and those fears no longer have sway over him. So I thought we are going to nip the night in the bud and have no more problems. NOW my realistic side said a couple of days ago that I don't want to push too hard at night just because he is making progress. I also knew that there would be times that, even with all the progress we have made, he would have a flare up of fear, insecurity, etc.

So with all those statements and thoughts out there for you I feel like I have failed my son. I feel like I tried to do something that he was not ready and pushed too hard too fast. I feel like today he is looking at me and saying this guy is like everyone else I have known in my life. This guy doesn't care, etc. etc. To be honest I don't know what he is thinking, I believe he is tired just based on his demeanor today, and I feel like that is my fault.

NOW I also know that logically and in the long run last night won't even be a blip on his radar and we will be fine, but that doesn't change my feelings, nor honestly does it make me feel any better. Kasey texted me last night and said don't let Satan have a foothold, you are doing a great job, and don't believe the lies of Satan.

So here I am asking for your prayers. Pray for Martin to continue to feel secure, safe and progress. Pray that he would start sleeping through the night (that prayer will not change until we see it happen). Pray that daddy's mistakes last night will fade from his memory. Pray that when Kasey gets here he finds the security he is looking for (again there has been major progress, but something is still holding him back) because mommy actually did come back.

Pray for me. Pray for wisdom. Pray for grace (both from God and from me for the children). Pray for sleep. Pray that I would not let Satan tear me down as has from about 5 AM onward.

I don't know what else to pray, so just pray as you feel lead!

LOVE YOU ALL
brad